I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
