My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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