His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
