your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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