I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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