i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
