I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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