You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
