if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
