why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
