I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize