I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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