My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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