Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
