hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
