Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
