just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
