I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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