did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
