I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
