and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
