oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
