He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
