i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
