Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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