it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
