i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
