This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
