I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
