Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
