Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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