Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
