I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
