you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
