So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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