if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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