Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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