I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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