I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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