I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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