She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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