the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
