my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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