from now on my penis is your penis
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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