I feel great
I just peed on a car
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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