Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
