my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
