Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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