Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
