watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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