he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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