I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
