It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
