i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I currently don't understand fingers.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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