I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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