I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
