she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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