im drinking this country out of the recession.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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