why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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