Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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