I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
