wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
