I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize