Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
